Ink-Stained Daggers: Visible Scars. On Anonymous Letters

📊 A Surprising Discovery

We’ve conducted nearly 500 polls and surveys related to churches and ministry. Not a lot surprises me from these at this point, but I must admit that the one we did on ministers receiving anonymous letters held a shock for me. I would have guessed that roughly 100% of the ministers had gotten at least one and most more. That number was actually less than 70%. See some of the survey results in the chart here.

Take the survey yourself HERE

✒️ Sniper Missives and Their Impact

I call them “sniper missives,” and know they do a lot of harm to those who receive them. This is especially true for younger ministers and their families. I am not sure there are many things more difficult to deal with than one of these ink-stained daggers.

Ministers know all too well the sting of anonymous letters—those cowardly critiques that torpedo our efforts like shadow missiles, firing shots from the shadows. I know my reactions to them have rarely been helpful: I typically go from anger, to self-doubt, to suspicion, and finally to a healthier place of trying to be honest about any truths and changes I may or may not need to consider.

🙏 How Ministers Respond

We found there are numerous approaches you have taken to them:
Many have learned not to let those paper bullets define us. Some read them, pray over them, consider what’s true (if anything), and toss the rest in the trash—literally and emotionally. Others don’t read unsigned notes at all (probably wise).

Most agree that if it’s not loving, honest, or signed, it’s not worthy of much time. The overwhelming wisdom? Don’t bite the bait. These letters often say more about the sender than the recipient.

Refreshingly, some shared how elders supported them, dismissed the letters, and helped foster healthier communication cultures. Heartbreakingly, a few spoke of the hurt when leaders didn’t do that. But even in pain, there was growth. Some of us tore those letters to pieces, some laughed about them later, and some turned the experience into a reminder to lead with grace and openness.

One brother said it especially simply and well: “Anonymous criticism says far more about the sender than it does about the person on the receiving end.”

💔 Personal Cost and Emotional Toll

I’ve found it especially challenging when it involves my family in any way and hurts them.

These Nameless Needles present obstacles to ministry for various reasons. Since we don’t know who sent them (2.8% found out), they provide no opportunity for follow-up—for us to say to the person: You are correct, and I’ll change, thank you. Or, you didn’t get the facts right. Or, you misunderstood. There simply is no opportunity for clarification.

Further, these Coward’s Quills fuel suspicion. As the old saying goes, for most of us “inquiring minds want to know.” And the danger is that may lead to mistrust in relationships, you thinking “it’s him,” no, “it’s her,” “it’s everyone.”

🌱 Guarding Against Bitterness

These Ghost Notes can create bitterness: Listen carefully here. This is NOT the church. It is not even 1% of the church that sends such notes.

Bitterness is described in the Text as a root, and roots tend to spread and get in places they don’t need to be. You can end up diminishing your love for the local church without intending to, as that root spreads.

Again, this is not the norm; it does exist, but most members love, care for, and pray for you and your family. Don’t let these give undue power to negativity and leave lasting emotional residue.

⚠️ The Distraction from True Ministry

I’ve also seen that these Toxic Whispers can distract us from our best ministry: Time and energy are diverted from the work to managing emotional and relational fallout.

You find yourself not doing or being yourself, second-guessing your approach, distracted from your best ministry to be what they say you are not or proving you are not what they say you are! And in the process we allow them to suck the joy out of our ministry!! I’ve seen the wind go out of many a sail of a passionate minister.

🌟 Redeeming the Hurt

Anonymous letters—those unsigned notes that appear in your inbox or mailbox—are uniquely difficult to navigate. Worst of all, they sidestep the loving and honest dialogue Jesus blueprinted in Matthew 18. These letters don’t just hurt—they isolate.

We’d probably do well to try to understand that even the anonymous writer may be hurting or unsure how to speak openly and grow to the point that we can pray positively for them.

As hard as it is, we respond not with retaliation, but with grace, praying for both wisdom and healing—for ourselves and for them. Because in ministry, we don’t just absorb criticism—we try to redeem it, and them. Even when it comes in the form of a spiritual sniper.

NOTE: If you are hurting, we love you and are praying for you - please reach out to us or to someone who you trust to encourage you.

-dj